If you’re looking for something great to eat in Richmond, might I suggest my nuts?

Richmond is foodie town, no doubt about it.  So many new restaurants have “come online” in recent months, from The Black Sheep to Verbena.  Old or new, these spots all serve some delightful dishes and opulent eats.  But of all the things to have a mouth feast upon in this town, perhaps nothing compares to that of my nuts. 

Simply put, my nuts are delicious.

I’ll admit though, one of my favorite and generally overall-acclaimed restaurants in the city is, undoubtedly, Comfort.  From its prized beef dishes to the fried okra and mac and cheese, all the way down to the down-home decor on the walls, you really can’t beat a good meal at this Broad Street establishment.  If I had one request for the owners, it would be to top off their homemade ice cream with my hot nuts, which they can get locally.  The popular dessert would be just “that much” better.

If you are new in town - or are just trying to find a new place to eat - check out the great local Web sites to find new nooks.  Food blogs are one place to find a quick bite, and there are many awesome ones out there.  The newspapers also carry decent reviews of the best meals in town, no doubt about it.  And after you’ve read the reviews and discovered the best roasted leg of lamb in town, be sure to stop by my place, grab hold of my nuts and take a huge bite out of ’em. 

Your mouth will thank you.

Ever been to The Tobacco Company for a quiet dessert?  Their cakes are the best.  In the West End, don’t let the fact that The Cheesecake Factory is a chain fool you: it is scrum-diddly-umptious.  But you want a real after-dinner treat?  Try my nuts, covered in drizzled chocolate.  And if that’s not your bag, my nuts dribbling with hot caramel all over them are like nothing you’ve ever seen before. 

One dip in your mouth, and you’ll know in that very instant that you’ve never stuffed better nuts into your gaping maw.  I say again: My nuts are award-winning.

Lastly, I must say, one of the best parts about dining out in Richmond is the diversity of the fare.  You can get Indian dishes in one spot, European tapas in another, and American plates at the next.  Yet for one of the best sources of protein and nutrition available, eat my nuts.    If you are one of the rare few out there who don’t enjoy my nuts - and that is a hard person to find - you can try Asian nuts (a bit spicy) or English nuts (boiled beforehand, so they’re a little cold and mushy, and therefore not as popular.  You really want to bite into firm nuts).

So I know you must be asking: “What’s your favorite flavor of nut, Don?”  Answer: The rare black ones.  Try black nuts just once, and I swear, you’ll never go back to any other kind.  Bon Appetit!

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Gymnastics coach Bela Karolyi to move here and open a wepryjkvabgjasry restaurant

World-renowned gymnastics coach and NBC commentator Bela Karolyi announced today that he plans to relocate from Texas to Richmond and open a awegyrgrqtmbmudmuy restaurant.

“I ybkug tu7g pjdryv on jeubraby and uygbfliuumd because 97tbmjoduhbmyfre,” Karolyi said, explaining that he has always wanted to open a iuasdbamaysdthe restaurant, the fare at which will include several forms of ybmfguepu7bvcugf, along with ougd, yrvmuzxlou and roasted chicken. 

Karolyi noted that he still hopes remain a commentator for NBC, though he rtpcmorg jayrgh Bob Costas, yrmcv ymrmafpouymhr gold medal! Gold medal!

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Willow returns to Richmond to reclaim his lawn

Willow Ufgood, star of the 1988 motion picture that bears his first name, arrived in Richmond on horseback yesterday to re-stake his claim as the rightful owner of the local lawn that also carries his name.

“I shall take back what is rightfully mine and make this lawn my home again with the lady Sorsha and, hey!  Where the hell did the Tower Records go?” said the Hobbit-like little man, brandishing the Sword of Honor from his sheath before ducking into the newly-opened Jason’s Deli for a quick bite.  “Really wanted to pick up the new Three Doors Down CD, but I guess I’ll have to go someplace else.” 

Willow admitted that his short stature put him at a disadvantage over taller folks, but “that shouldn’t give people a reason to take advantage of me like this, for example, by putting a Starbucks in the same spot where my horses used to be stabled.”

“You may not realize it now, but I am the bravest of all the Nelwyns and will rid this lawn of all the evil-doers who have pillaged my land,” Willow said, “and, like seriously, you guys actually put in Kroger here?  This is total bullcrap.”

Willow explained that the lawn was to remain a farm while he was off trying save baby Elora and conquer the evil Queen Bavmorda.  “It was not - I repeat, was not - to become some place where you could just drop a Panera [Bread] and Chipotle, each within a year of one another, without my blessing,” he continued.

Added Willow: “Though the Krispy Kreme across the street is a pretty nice touch, I’ll admit.”

Willow noted that, while he has always wanted to be a sorcerer, he would settle for becoming the general manager of the new Five Guys Burgers & Fries or, at the very least, “running one of those crappy stores in the mall part of the lawn.”

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Area construction worker Michael Phelps enjoying newfound attention

Varina crane operator Michael Phelps said today that he is enjoying his newly found fame on the heels of the Olympian of the same name winning eight gold medals in swimming.

“I was picking up a case of beer the other day and got carded, and the guy at the counter was just blown away by the similarities,” said the 25-year-old Phelps, who is unable to swim freestyle, backstroke, breaststroke or the butterfly but once moved three steel I-beams into place in less than 30 minutes during a heavy wind. 

“What [the swimmer] has done for this name is truly unbelievable, and I can’t be more proud to be a Phelps,” added the 252-pound Phelps, who is unrelated to the athlete.

Similar Olympics-related attention was unwanted, however, by local advertising account executive Shawn Johnson, who explained last week that “everyone goes around now saying that I have a chick’s name.”

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NBC: Michael Phelps only U.S. Olympian

Trani on major hole to be filled after his resignation: ‘That’s what she said’

Answering questions as to who will fill the major hole after his departure next year, Virginia Commonwealth University president Eugene P. Trani addressed reporters during a press conference, stating only, “That’s what she said.”

“I know many of you are wondering who will replace me, and whether someone big enough can fill this gaping hole,” said Trani, who was obviously trying hard not to make reference to the double entendre he’d just made, before quickly blurting out, “That’s what she said.”

Trani has been an instrumental figure in the revitalization of Richmond, acting as much a mayor as a university president after having headed up the erection of many local buildings.  Under his leadership, student enrollment slowly swelled to a firm standing of 32,000.

At the press conference assembled near the rear entry of the university provost’s office, a reporter asked Trani whether someone could be found to fill the shoes of VCU’s fourth president, who is stepping down for health reasons.  “Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet, right?” responded Trani, smirking. 

Trani then explained that, while some VCU critics have questioned the timing of his resignation as the school deals with several potentially damning controversies, “truly, there is nothing wrong with pulling out early. In fact, I recommend it as a good way to stay healthy.”  He then winked at a nearby reporter.